Wednesday, February 16, 2011

goodnight sweet colon, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

I'm afraid this is it my dearest friends.
After 10 days, 34 ounces of maple syrup, 64 ounces of lemon juice, some cayenne red pepper, some sea salt and some nasty tea, it's time to eat food again.
I might even eat for the first time during class tomorrow. Is that poetry or what?
I wouldn't necessarily recommend this diet to others. On the bright side, it gets you a lot of attention. sort of. Not enough to make it worth it. On the cloudy side, you get really hungry. I've lost about 10 pounds I think since it started. I went to the gym yesterday but I forgot to weigh myself. I've also recently started experiencing shortness of breath and my resting heart rate was above 90 last night which is not something with which anyone under the age of 50 should deal. I've also lost muscle in my stomach, which I think is a sign of malnutrition (that's a better excuse than not having done any situps since the 10th grade right?).
So yeah. I don't recommend it. But do you my friends. Be your own person. If you want to cleanse it out, then cleanse away.
Make sure your lemonade is cold - otherwise its gross
Make sure your lemonade doesn't have too much cayenne in it - otherwise its GROSS
Make sure you drink enough lemonade throughout the day - otherwise you get really hungry
Make sure you carry around a bag of Jumbo Sour Twizzlers - just in case

And thus, I must leave this blogosphere in search of the next one, exiting with the grace yet unbounding optimism with which my sandwich awaits

The Beauty! The Beauty!

Monday, February 14, 2011

colon cancer

So I've been being pretty lighthearted about this whole blog thing and then on ESPN last night there's a tearjerking segment about this Junior in high school who got colon cancer. He was 16 and the love of his life was football. He died of cancer the same day that his high school played in the state championship game but his dedication to the team inspired many.
And as I'm watching this I feel like a huge asshole. And then my roommate pointed out that asshole is probably a pun in this case. That made me feel worse. But the reason I picked colon as opposed to "liver cleanse" or "medium intestine cleanse" or "total body cleanse" for this blog is because of the masculinity involved with the way men deal with colon cancer.
Even during the video, the reporter made sure to mention that the doctor found the colon cancer accidentally during a procedure for appendicitis. That is, the surgeon went in from above and in front rather than below and behind - heaven forbid the kid should have had a colonoscopy.
But a colonoscopy is...threatening. Even for me. Not just for Yunior or Oscar or the average American male, but for me, a self-professed feminist.
So I wish I could say that drinking maplemonade is a way to avoid a possible colonoscopy in the future and laugh it off, but I can't. I think I've learned something here, but I'll have to let you know in another post when I figure out just what exactly that is.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Sunday, February 13, 2011

vote or die

hola chicos!
So I'm not sure if everybody noticed, but there's a poll up now on my blog asking for your input. You know, the mark of a democracy is when people participate in elections and I don't see much participation...
Besides, how cool is the technology on this blog anyway? Not only will it count the result of the poll and count the number of followers I have, it tells me how many people view my blog every day. How sweet is that?
The best part though? It tells me from which country people are viewing my colon. So the United States is winning as it should but then out of nowhere, somebody in Sweden viewed my blog. And I was all like, I see you Mikael Blomkvist!
And then I though, wait a minute, Stieg Larsson is RIP what's goin on here?
So then I though maybe it's Freddy Ljungberg but I remembered that nobody likes soccer so that can't be it.
So I returned to the conspiracy theory. Elvis and Tupac, if you're out there, Stay strong my friends. Stay strong!
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Saturday, February 12, 2011


Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. You see, I ran out of lemon juice and I was all like "now I don't have to keep dieting but this is a completely noble retreat". But then, I went to the liquor store and they have enough lemon juice to stock the British armada for a fortnight.
So I guess I'm back on the wagon. Nasty ass lemonade...
My colon was making some pretty strange noises today. At first I thought it was just my stomach growling but then I realized that my stomach was growling and making a completely different sound. So my colon loud as a motherfucker. And of course I was sitting in a group of people and it was so loud. SO LOUD.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Thursday, February 10, 2011

hey guys

sorry for being kind of short these past few days, I'm not really angry at you, it's just tough for me sometimes. You really are one of my only outlets of human interaction blogreaders
Anyway, I feel pretty good considering that this is day 4. It's not that I miss the food (although my stomach was SO loud during class, I deff got some looks) it's that I miss thinking about food. A moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips is one thing, but for me, it's always been a moment on the lips, an hour and a half rumbling around the cerebral cortex. If that doesn't rhyme try saying it in a deep southern accent, and if it still doesn't rhyme I don't care because you've missed the point that I obsess about food. I fantasize about food. I plan my day around food.
No really, I do. I have a mealplan so I read the menu of what's being offered in the dining hall. I eat at Chipotle approximately 3.126 times per week and Potbelly's at least 14.3 times per week...That may or may not be true but the point is I love to eat. So today I walked straight to the dining hall before class before I realized what was happening. The worst part though is the vending machines all over campus.
Now these evil motherfuckers taunt you anyway and I've lost many a dollar or ninety cent to their clutches. And what comes out? M&Ms? Not enough. Twix? Way too small and it gets all up in your teeth. Famous Amos cookies? Too dry. Those zebra cupcake things? Um hello, twinkie defense. Honeybun? Well yeah those are delicious
But today just out of habit I was looking at the vending machines after class and peering in to see what I wanted when I remembered that I'm on this here diet.
It's like those scenes of alcoholics who walk into a bar and order a drink and then stare at it. Honestly I don't have that much willpower although I'm hesitant to self-diagnose as addicted to food. That's excessive. But I guess I lost track of my thoughts because I realized people were staring at me, and then I realized why: I'd been leaning into the machine and it all looked so delicious and I thought how bad could one apple and cheese danish be and I guess I just started dry-humping the vending machine in my excitement.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

what was i thinkin?

Check out my collaboration with Dierks about this here diet!


i'm really hungry. I realized that my lemonade isn't so different from a bloody mary mix. I also notice that nobody's been commenting on my blog. where's all the love internet? :(
Over and out Earthlings, over and out

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

hey boo!

So! day 2 and I'm awake and I haven't died yet. So all you hater$$ out there can...keep reading my blog? Yesterday was completely a piece of cake for me. Sure there were Cheez-its and 2 different brands of Dorito's and mini-brownies and those chocolate chip cookies that actually have M&Ms in them, and cupcakes and football-shaped oreos left over from the Superbowl. And sure I might have looked a little strange because the website says that I should massage my colon throughout the day and so I might not have been as discreet about that as some of you would have liked. And sure I might have sounded a little strange when I asked the people sitting next to me in my classes if they knew where the colon was. After all, if Americans can't find Iraq on a map, I said, what chance do we have of finding our colon?
I looked it up online and it's not the easiest part of our anatomy to locate...
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnyway. I'm staying strong for yall out there
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Monday, February 7, 2011

too much cayenne

Basically that's all there is to it. Also, at this rate, I'll run out of lemon juice by tomorrow. Also way too much cayenne. So gross
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out


So, I just made my salt water flush. It tastes like seawater (big surprise there), but I'm not sure if it's the taste, or the smell or both, but I feel like I'm at the beach and have accidentally just swallowed seawater. I'm a pretty good swimmer though, so when i do swallow seawater, it's accompanied by a feeling of uncertainty and disorientedness. To be clear, I'm not disoriented right now, I'm just remembering all the times over the summer when I would try to catch a wave by swimming as fast as I can and waiting for the crest to come over me and hurl me toward the shore. Naturally I close my eyes and when I get up and open them, even if I'm smack dab on somebody's umbrella, I still have a really strong feeling of rootlessness. Where am I? I wonder frantically for half a second. And then I taste the saltwater like I do now.
The answer is, that I'm in the internet and in the kitchen. Commencing what is probably the second stupidest diet in the history of humankind.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Friday, February 4, 2011

rhymes with colon

so after watching eminem on 60 minutes rhyming lots of words with orange, I got to thinking, what if I could do the same thing with my colon. And then I figured, why bother rhyming when I can just make puns (besides the obvious one about my favorite black republican)! Ready? Me neither...

What's the best way to eat pasta?
straight out of the colander

Quick! What's a South American country?
Ummm Brazil? Argentina?
No, one that's not good at soccer.

What's Mariah Carey's favorite smell?
Nick Cannon Just for Men cologne

What's Sarah Palin's favorite high school?
Columbine (yikes)

What's the most painful medical procedure?
A colonoscopy...O. Whoops.

Anyway if you have any others just comment below!

Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

well howdy

Hey there blogga blogga! I thought about you today. There I was in class chewing gum like always when I realized that it had lost all of its flavor.
Pues, out of habit, I swallowed it.
And then I wondered, where does the gum go in the human body? Does it get digested? Does it just stay in the small intestine? (Incidentally I couldn't tell you the difference between the two intestines or their functions, I just know maple syrup is gonna clean the bejeezus out of them like Hercules did to that barn #Greekmythicalallusionsmakemesoundsmartasamothafucker) But today in Oceanography we learned how long salt stays in the ocean. It's called Residence Time and there's an equation which is available on the course website...
Apparently fancy T = capital V divided by lowercase q. You tell me, bro, you tell me. After all:

What happens to a wad of gum deferred?
Does it dry up
like a stone in the kidney?
Or does it shrink
like the houstons on whitney?

Ok this is borderline racist and really mean to the best national anthem singer this country has ever seen.
Anyway I honestly don't know what's happened to the gum I swallowed today and the scores I've ingested over the preceding two decades. There's nothing in the cleanse literature about that...
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Sunday, January 30, 2011

hey so does anyone have a scale I can borrow?

cuz like I feel like that would be like totally like useful to make my blog like scientific like ya know?
But 4realz logistics are giving me some trouble.
Problem 1: How am I supposed to transfer my maplemonade to my nalgene? I have one of the thin-necked nalgenes (that's what she said?) and so I can't just pour maple syrup in there by itself. So I'm going to create my drank in a large, clear, plastic mixing bowl and then pour it from there into my nalgene.
Problem 1A: Where can I find a funnel?
Problem 2: I'm trying to take this blog to another level of blogness but I can't figure out how to send photos from my phone to my blog.
Problem 2A: How will I ever appear in an infomercial if there are no before and after pictures which make people sit up and reach for their phones while I smile and flex my biceps saying "I used to be embarrassed to even take my shirt off in the water, but now, they're designing those sweet Olympic one-piece superthinsulated suits around my body... THANKS MAPLEMONADE!"?
Problem 2B: Is there anyway I can get one of those probe things that can take a picture of my colon or my spleen and show all the toxins leaving? I'd be willing to put up like $20 if anyone knows how?
Problem 3: I'm going to be hungry
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Friday, January 28, 2011


That's right! It's too late to blame Fedex or shady internet medical warehouses. My maple syrup is motherfucking here.
In Ann Arbor!
The folks at proflexsports were kind enough to send over some sample pills of kre-alkalyn. They are purple and about the size of a sweedish fish. I'm not really sure what they are but here's the website if you want to take a gander. I think it has something to do with Ph which makes me think maybe it's a supplement for swimmers. They also sent some brownish gray pills which are for the acai cleansing diet. How many cleansing diets are there, anyways?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Over and out, Earthlings, Over and out

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

day iv

So! After watching the state of the Union and fantasizing about Michelle Obama, my mother calls to rehash it with me (politics is like totally a big deal to us DC people). And so I happened to casually mention the blog and the restorer diet and what do you think she says?
"Oy! Vut do you think Barack Obama vould say about this diet nonsense?" in the most ridiculous Yiddish accent I've ever heard.
Now, just to be clear, my mother does not always speak with a Yiddish accent. In fact, she only does it when:
  • talking about food
  • mimicking other Jews
Yup. That's it. Those are the only two times. Otherwise she speaks like a perfectly normal human being (I mean this in a completely non-racist way, mind you).
To be fair, though, I think she said something along the same lines when I decided to become a vegetarian, and when I got a tattoo for that matter.
The woman sure loves Barack Obama. They have those t-shirts that say O'bama ( and we've spent some great quality time trying to come up with a Jewish version (Obamastein is the odds-on favorite). We're definitely still taking suggestions...
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Sunday, January 23, 2011

day iii

Hey there fellow colonators! Just a quick update:
I purchased my organic non-iodized seasalt today at a food co-op. Can we talk about food co-ops? Because let me tell you, this place was straight out of a 1970s Earth-mother-worshiping separatist community.
Now the fact that there are two types of salt was a revelation to me in and of itself (table salt? road salt? rock salt? kosher salt? sea salt? brackish salt?). But there was a whole shelf dedicated to salt. That's right: a shelf. Celtic sea salt, Mediterranean Sea sea salt (yes. it is redundant), New Zealand organic sea salt and, well, you get the picture (They also sell Maple syrup Grade B but not at the amazing prices I found at The shelf above: whey. The shelf below: fair-trade sugar.
Anyway, I am a vegetarian, but when I meet strangers I try to impress on them that I'm not "one of those vegetarians", the ones that join PETA, the ones that disdainfully sniff at people eating meat, the ones who bicycle to the nearest windfarm in order to help harvest an organic batch of turnips that will provide them with their only source of nutrition for the next week. But now I think I've found a much simpler way of distinguishing myself: "I'm not one of those vegetarians that shops at food co-ops".
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day Two

So depending on how you look at it, this isn't really day 2. I.e. I haven't started restoring yet and I'm about to eat a burrito from Chipotle so don't go around internetland thinking that I'm basically cleansing from now until Spring Break.
But! Huge breakthrough: Today I ordered the very special maple syrup that I need. You see, Aunt Jemimah (or whatever other incredibly racist representation of Black women's bodies in relation to America's domestic agricultural production that companies attempt to employ to propagate the ruinous capitalist partnership with racial and gender oppressions) won't cut it for this. Oh no!
I ordered Grade B Maple Syrup which, according to websites with varying levels of repute (this is a blog folks...), is made later in the season and thus has a darker color, stronger flavor, and more importantly, more iron, fiber, niacin (what is niacin??) and all kinds of good stuff like that which can substitute for food over the course of ten to fourteen days.
I ordered from which narrowly beat out and (Gulp!)
Anyway, I had a powwow with my roomies and explained that I was going to do this thang and they both decided I was crazy and went back to making microwave brownies (You tell me).
But, as I logically explained to them, When I got my tattoo, I had to put down a deposit at the tattoo parlor so I wouldn't have wasted the tattooist's time or lose my appointment and all that. And because I really didn't want to lose the deposit, I went through with getting it despite everyone's guffawing and doubting (HATERZZ). (The enormous irony of jews and tattoos is too much for this blog but check out (
And so, since I spent twice as much on this Grade B maple syrup as I did on the deposit for my tattoo, I think I have this in my corner. We shall see!
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Friday, January 21, 2011


So! Welcome to my blog!!
I'm super-excited that you're still reading and I promise it will be worth it (like, it's for a grade, so like, it's kinda not just like worth it but like vital?). Now, just like Oscar attempted to exercise and diet throughout the course of Junot Díaz's The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, I too have attempted to diet and exercise throughout the course of my life.
But of course the major motif of the novel was fantasy - and what does one get when combining diet with fantasy? Well...a fantasy diet. That is: a Cleansing or Restorer diet guaranteed to provide energy, make me lose 90 pounds, rid all my acne and probably get me laid if I stick with it long enough.
What is this superhero's diet, you ask; this nectar of trekkies everywhere, this regimen which would have made Sam wail before Second Breakfast?
It's simple. For at least 10 days, I drink a salt-water flush in the morning, a combination of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne red pepper and filtered water (8 8 0z glasses every day), and an herbal laxative tea at least once a day.
So stay tuned and I'll keep you updated every step of the way! I fully reserve the right to quit when I get hungry or if the bathroom starts to smell bad and my roommates yell at me...My tentative start date is Monday February 7, the day after the superbowl.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out