Sunday, January 30, 2011

hey so does anyone have a scale I can borrow?

cuz like I feel like that would be like totally like useful to make my blog like scientific like ya know?
But 4realz logistics are giving me some trouble.
Problem 1: How am I supposed to transfer my maplemonade to my nalgene? I have one of the thin-necked nalgenes (that's what she said?) and so I can't just pour maple syrup in there by itself. So I'm going to create my drank in a large, clear, plastic mixing bowl and then pour it from there into my nalgene.
Problem 1A: Where can I find a funnel?
Problem 2: I'm trying to take this blog to another level of blogness but I can't figure out how to send photos from my phone to my blog.
Problem 2A: How will I ever appear in an infomercial if there are no before and after pictures which make people sit up and reach for their phones while I smile and flex my biceps saying "I used to be embarrassed to even take my shirt off in the water, but now, they're designing those sweet Olympic one-piece superthinsulated suits around my body... THANKS MAPLEMONADE!"?
Problem 2B: Is there anyway I can get one of those probe things that can take a picture of my colon or my spleen and show all the toxins leaving? I'd be willing to put up like $20 if anyone knows how?
Problem 3: I'm going to be hungry
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Friday, January 28, 2011


That's right! It's too late to blame Fedex or shady internet medical warehouses. My maple syrup is motherfucking here.
In Ann Arbor!
The folks at proflexsports were kind enough to send over some sample pills of kre-alkalyn. They are purple and about the size of a sweedish fish. I'm not really sure what they are but here's the website if you want to take a gander. I think it has something to do with Ph which makes me think maybe it's a supplement for swimmers. They also sent some brownish gray pills which are for the acai cleansing diet. How many cleansing diets are there, anyways?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Over and out, Earthlings, Over and out

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

day iv

So! After watching the state of the Union and fantasizing about Michelle Obama, my mother calls to rehash it with me (politics is like totally a big deal to us DC people). And so I happened to casually mention the blog and the restorer diet and what do you think she says?
"Oy! Vut do you think Barack Obama vould say about this diet nonsense?" in the most ridiculous Yiddish accent I've ever heard.
Now, just to be clear, my mother does not always speak with a Yiddish accent. In fact, she only does it when:
  • talking about food
  • mimicking other Jews
Yup. That's it. Those are the only two times. Otherwise she speaks like a perfectly normal human being (I mean this in a completely non-racist way, mind you).
To be fair, though, I think she said something along the same lines when I decided to become a vegetarian, and when I got a tattoo for that matter.
The woman sure loves Barack Obama. They have those t-shirts that say O'bama ( and we've spent some great quality time trying to come up with a Jewish version (Obamastein is the odds-on favorite). We're definitely still taking suggestions...
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Sunday, January 23, 2011

day iii

Hey there fellow colonators! Just a quick update:
I purchased my organic non-iodized seasalt today at a food co-op. Can we talk about food co-ops? Because let me tell you, this place was straight out of a 1970s Earth-mother-worshiping separatist community.
Now the fact that there are two types of salt was a revelation to me in and of itself (table salt? road salt? rock salt? kosher salt? sea salt? brackish salt?). But there was a whole shelf dedicated to salt. That's right: a shelf. Celtic sea salt, Mediterranean Sea sea salt (yes. it is redundant), New Zealand organic sea salt and, well, you get the picture (They also sell Maple syrup Grade B but not at the amazing prices I found at The shelf above: whey. The shelf below: fair-trade sugar.
Anyway, I am a vegetarian, but when I meet strangers I try to impress on them that I'm not "one of those vegetarians", the ones that join PETA, the ones that disdainfully sniff at people eating meat, the ones who bicycle to the nearest windfarm in order to help harvest an organic batch of turnips that will provide them with their only source of nutrition for the next week. But now I think I've found a much simpler way of distinguishing myself: "I'm not one of those vegetarians that shops at food co-ops".
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Day Two

So depending on how you look at it, this isn't really day 2. I.e. I haven't started restoring yet and I'm about to eat a burrito from Chipotle so don't go around internetland thinking that I'm basically cleansing from now until Spring Break.
But! Huge breakthrough: Today I ordered the very special maple syrup that I need. You see, Aunt Jemimah (or whatever other incredibly racist representation of Black women's bodies in relation to America's domestic agricultural production that companies attempt to employ to propagate the ruinous capitalist partnership with racial and gender oppressions) won't cut it for this. Oh no!
I ordered Grade B Maple Syrup which, according to websites with varying levels of repute (this is a blog folks...), is made later in the season and thus has a darker color, stronger flavor, and more importantly, more iron, fiber, niacin (what is niacin??) and all kinds of good stuff like that which can substitute for food over the course of ten to fourteen days.
I ordered from which narrowly beat out and (Gulp!)
Anyway, I had a powwow with my roomies and explained that I was going to do this thang and they both decided I was crazy and went back to making microwave brownies (You tell me).
But, as I logically explained to them, When I got my tattoo, I had to put down a deposit at the tattoo parlor so I wouldn't have wasted the tattooist's time or lose my appointment and all that. And because I really didn't want to lose the deposit, I went through with getting it despite everyone's guffawing and doubting (HATERZZ). (The enormous irony of jews and tattoos is too much for this blog but check out (
And so, since I spent twice as much on this Grade B maple syrup as I did on the deposit for my tattoo, I think I have this in my corner. We shall see!
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out

Friday, January 21, 2011


So! Welcome to my blog!!
I'm super-excited that you're still reading and I promise it will be worth it (like, it's for a grade, so like, it's kinda not just like worth it but like vital?). Now, just like Oscar attempted to exercise and diet throughout the course of Junot Díaz's The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, I too have attempted to diet and exercise throughout the course of my life.
But of course the major motif of the novel was fantasy - and what does one get when combining diet with fantasy? Well...a fantasy diet. That is: a Cleansing or Restorer diet guaranteed to provide energy, make me lose 90 pounds, rid all my acne and probably get me laid if I stick with it long enough.
What is this superhero's diet, you ask; this nectar of trekkies everywhere, this regimen which would have made Sam wail before Second Breakfast?
It's simple. For at least 10 days, I drink a salt-water flush in the morning, a combination of maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne red pepper and filtered water (8 8 0z glasses every day), and an herbal laxative tea at least once a day.
So stay tuned and I'll keep you updated every step of the way! I fully reserve the right to quit when I get hungry or if the bathroom starts to smell bad and my roommates yell at me...My tentative start date is Monday February 7, the day after the superbowl.
Over and out, Earthlings, over and out